The talk I didn't want to have
by livingforfiction
Summary: The scene of Donna and Thomas breaking up that didn't make the cut. My version of how that scene may have been.


**As some of you know, Aaron Korsh said in an interview that the scene where Donna and Thomas break up was cut off of the episode. I would have loved to see it, so here's a version of how I imagine that scene happening. Hope you all like it!**

* * *

-Maybe you can tell me who he is to you.

He's not angry, he's confused. He can't understand how the man is about to lose his license but he is willing to do that in order to keep me from being harmed even in a hair.

-I don't know who he is, Thomas. I just know that he's somebody that I can't seem to figure out how to cut out of me. But I want to. And I have wanted to, and apparently, I tried to when I told you what was going on. But the truth is, I don't know if I'll ever be able to.-

He just stands there, his body petrified, his gaze on the floor, trying to process what I just said. _Jesus, Donna._ -I know it's not easy, what I'm telling you, but PLEASE say something.

He sighed. Then he shook his head softly. -I need to sit down.

-Yes. -I walk and I sit beside him, because my legs felt heavy, and my chest felt numb from being punched repeatedly with the power of a panicked heart.

-I see. -he said. -What you two are like. I thought I saw something the other night, when I picked you up and you two were there. I dismissed it because I didn't think it was something I should ask about.

-And it wasn't. Because nothing was happening in there.

-I know. But you probably were having kind of an awkward conversation, didn't you?

-Well… -oh this man. He's an excellent perceiver. No wonder why he liked me. -We were about to, but… -I couldn't say it. It was a ton of information he was receiving and… I didn't want to make him feel like he was getting between us, because he wasn't.

-But then I got there.

Again, I didn't respond to that. My head was bent downwards, like a child serving penance. My eyes searched for his, and I couldn't find them. He stared out the window, probably knowing what this talk meant.

-I swear this is not what I want. -it slipped out from me.

-What?

-Us parting ways. I don't want us to end like this.

-Neither do I. However, if you're telling me you can't cut him out of you… Donna, you can't have a peaceful relationship if you have unfinished business with him.

Two tears escaped from each of my eyes. I didn't notice I was about to cry, given the numbness I was deep in, I wasn't actually controlling anything now. Only my guts and my instinct could drive this situation.

-I know. -I said, and I heard my voice completely cracked, worned out, while my knuckles slipped beneath my eyes. -I know, but I'm trying. And… -I stared right into his eyes because I was desperately trying. For him to understand that I didn't want us to end, and also that I would do my best to keep this going. He had water in his pupils too, but he was holding them. I know that when he saw my eyes, his expression melted into one I've never seen so far. -Shit, I'll just say it. I like you, and I've… I've never felt this happy in a long time, longer that I can remember.

He grabbed one of my hands with both of his. He squeezed it while he looked at it. -Me too, Donna, I told you that and God knows I'm being transparent. But think about… -he cut himself and I could feel he was looking for the right words to say it. I heard his mind making an immense effort. -Think about what it could do to us. You can't control what you feel, and in the future, in a certain amount of time, it will keep popping up because you LOVE him, Donna.

I kept crying. I hated what he was saying, he was right, but I didn't want to hear it because I was furious. I was sick of my issues with Harvey messing into my relationships but I also knew that it was my fault only. I think that was the main reason for everything that I was feeling; I was outraged with myself, plain and simply.

-If you were into my head, you would know how terrified I am right now because I feel like I'm losing you, and even though we're both holding the grip to each other, we're still fading away because there is something external that pulls each of us in opposite ways. -his voice finally cracked. I knew right then, that we were both screwed. This was going to get harder when the time comes and we have to wrap it up.

-Donna, knowing you was one of the best things that happened to me lately. The little time I got to spend with you, and know you… I thank God for that. -he was now looking at me like he had been defeated. He had thrown the towel already. _Fuck._

-I get it. -I whispered, my voice didn't have much strength at this point. His eyes were sad, sad and sorry. I never thought this day would come, I thought I could handle everything, because Harvey and I were apparently in a different place. _We are never in a different place and we've never been. _It's just been self-deceiving and defense mechanisms. -And I'm sorry. -Damn, my voice sounded like a wet little lamb.

-Don't be. I've been where you are. -I attempted a smile, I guess he got a weak curve of my lips. I want to tell him to stay, to give me a chance, to forgive my lack of foresight to the events. But I can't force him to tolerate me being in love with someone else and to be cool waiting for the day that Harvey comes up in my way again.

-I really didn't want to hurt you.

-I know, gorgeous, I know. -his fingers took hold of a lock of my hair and peacefully placed it behind my ear. I didn't know what to do now. Right then, I felt his arms pulling me in to him. It felt so good; I felt like I fell in a very light mattress made of feathers. We hugged, he held me, I clutched to him. -I'm sorry. -I kept repeating it because it the only thing i had to offer.

-It's okay. -he caressed my back softly. Damn I'm gonna miss him.

But, he's right.

I don't love him.


End file.
